OUT OF THIS WORLD HAPPENINGS

As seen by Feen column looks at outer space and wonders, is life fair?
This column ran in this month’s Boca Raton Observer and I thought you might like to see it.

DOWNSIZING IS OUT OF THIS WORLD
By Diane Feen

Times are tough. Ford Motor is cutting back their workload and the sizzling housing market is starting to fizzle. Even Tom Cruise got axed from Paramount.

But our problems are small when compared to what just happened to Pluto. The 76-year old planet was just striped of its lofty title as a planet and will now be officially known as a “dwarf planet.” And you thought you had it bad getting laid off from a job (or a marriage) after 20 years. Rumor has it that Pluto didn’t even get a gold watch. One minute it’s a classical planet like Mercury, Earth, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, Venus, Mars and Uranus and the next thing you know it’s no longer a top tier celestial body.

The reason the International Astronomical Union General Assembly downgraded Pluto was because its celestial body was not orbiting around a star. Well hello, I could have told them that. Lindsey Lohan was not in the mood to hang out in Pluto and neither was Jessica Simpson. Both girls are working hard on films and trying to find decent men. And if you think that landing a good man in LA is a difficult thing to do, try finding one on Pluto.

There’s another reason why Pluto lost its luster. In order to remain a planet in good standing (what all planets strive for) it has to be large enough to pull its own gravity and make the rounds of the neighborhood in its orbit. With gas prices so high there probably weren’t enough people making the rounds on Pluto to give it an ample weighty momentum. If you think it’s costly to drive back and forth from Miami, can you imagine what it would cost to drive (or fly) to Pluto. It’s a 2.6 million mile trip one way for gosh sake.

I’ll bet you haven’t seen Bono or Cher stumping for Pluto? No, you have not. Bono has been in Africa and Cher is lobbying for helmets to be delivered to Iraq. No one has been looking out for Pluto or its inhabitants. Angelina and Mia Farrow have not talked about adopting children from Pluto, neither has Oprah for that matter.

Everyone has been so focused on Africa that they completely forgot about the classical planet with the 1,485 mile diameter. So what if it’s minus 375 degrees Fahrenheit, that doesn’t mean it should be downgraded like a chunk of General Motors stock. After all it’s had 76 good years as a galaxy in good standing – those AIU scientists should show some compassion – even Ed Sullivan and Merv Griffin were given their due respect after they were passed their prime.

When being downsized on our planet (we’re still in the big eight) you get outplacement counseling immediately, but so far I haven’t heard of any compensation or outplacement arrangements for Pluto. Nothing going on there – one minute it’s a full fledge planet studied in science books and SAT exams, the next thing you know it’s demoted, just like an accountant at Enron.

If Pluto were smart it would do what every good marketer does after its star is fading – create a buzz. It worked for Paris Hilton and Kirstie Alley. Why wouldn’t it work for Pluto?

If all else fails maybe Donald Trump would consider filming The Apprentice on Pluto. If not there’s always Tom Cruise. He just might be looking for somewhere far away Oprah’s yellow couch where he can just chill. After all his adoring fans (and his former bosses at Paramount) think he is acting like he’s from another planet anyway.

It could very well be a match made in celestial heaven.