FEEN ON THE SCENE - A HUMOROUS LOOK AT THE WORLD WITH A FASHION TWIST

As many of you know I wrote a Humor Column for newspapers and magazines in South Florida. Although it was a popular column (and won a prestigious award) the new editor took a knife to it. So, perhaps you would like to read my latest column that will run on bocaraton.com.

What I wore to the Recession
By Diane Feen

It’s here, the recession has arrived. Unlike Santa Claus the recession does not bear gifts, it does not invite you inside, and there is no need to pull out the good linens for its arrival.

But if one is to be appropriately dressed for all occasions (Jewish holiday’s included) then I am wondering how I should dress to greet this inflatable guest of honor. I suppose with all the belt tightening that will go on, I should have an attractive belt with enough holes to pull tighter than I would have in 2007 (when there was not a recession).

Since job losses are a big part of a recession, I suppose I should not flaunt clothes with obvious frivolity. But with my clothing budget being paired down like an ice sculpture after a wedding I have no fear of ostentation. My one dollar blazers and 24 cents scarves make me feel like a trailblazer in the area of recession fashion fare.

There were days when my frugality would have alarmed my inner child. But now that a recession is on its way (I have no idea its estimated time of arrival, but if it is flying into La Guardia it will definitely be late) I know a new fashion paradigm is in order. I also know that flaunting a $600 white blouse (a staple on Madison Ave.) would be in bad taste. Recession time is one that should be spent in reflection, which means lots of patent leather (you can use it as a mirror) for contemplating the future of the species - or the housing market.

As for color I’m thinking of basic black. It will withstand mascara stains that may roll down my cheek after I’ve filled my car up with gasoline. But with the economy on the skids like a wino in a flop house, I am thinking that black is too mournful a color. Perhaps red is more appropriate – or pink – or purple. After all color is the new Prozac when you’re fashion budget has been slashed to the Beal’s Outlet mark-down rack.

I do have recession experience though. In the last one there were gas lines (no need for dresses then), high interest rates (perfect for the shoe budget) and some sad times for home owners (Lexipro dispensers will do fine this time around).

But this recession is different. It came in like a bus load of illegals, a little at a time. Without a definite arrival date (perhaps this one lost its boarding pass). At first it seemed the recession was lost in Cleveland - that’s when I was reaching for the good china to celebrate. But now a more somber mood is in order, because like a late dinner guest, the recession is banging at my front door.

As for me, I can handle this insidious economic guest of honor. We’ll have some tea, get to know each other and share stories of former lovers (Alan Greenspan verses my old flame Peter). Since the obvious signs of wealth have eluding me for years (be a writer and you will know what I mean) I am sure we’ll have some common ground.

But I am worried a bit. Will the recession demand that I meet its parents? Should I wear a hat to shade me from its unbecoming double digit price increases? Or should I just pretend we are friends and invite the recession inside my home as if it were a relative I never liked to begin with?

I do have another eco-fashion theory - when home prices go down, our hemlines should go up (there has to be a silver lining). Because I do want to make a good impression on my guest of honor (recessions don’t come around that often) I want to be appropriately attired.

As a matter of fact, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I’m going to greet this recession with my favorite high heels, party dress and golden trimmed handbag. Because if there’s anything I learned from my shallow upbringing - it’s that it is not what happens to you, but how you’re dressed when it happens.